How to Stay Alive After the Zombie Apocalypse. A Fictitious Editorial. Part 1. (May Include Large Amounts of Fabricated Information)

by Busola

I'm going to give you tips on how to stay alive and thriving after the apocalypse. Why? Today I've decided to deviate from the norm. Usually I would try to pick a topic that would benefit the independent individual in our modern society. A piece that was written for a young designer, artist or photographer etc. trying to break into their industry at the ground level. 

But, Trust me there are more than a few metaphors between brain-dead zombies and brain-dead consumers, and maybe we'll talk about how you can get rich making a new social media site called LivingFriends or something.

So let's get started. It's the end of the world. The rapture has happened and all the Christians and every member of every religion are now gone from the earth, having left to their version of heaven. All the rapists and murderers went to hell. There is only one hell. Of the remaining  200 million non-evil unbelievers half died in a flurry of natural disasters including tsunami's, global warming etc. and the other half are now zombies. Yes, zombies are real, after the second giant tsunami they escaped from the Florida containment quarantine and spread all over the world.

The single most important part of staying alive after "the end of the world ends" is your friends. Your friends are all you have against the zombies, radiation, starvation, and loneliness. And trust me, after everything that happens you're going to need someone who knows how to make you laugh. So gather as many of them together as you can, that's your team/family whatever you guys want to call yourselves.

So now time to pick a leader right? WRONG. In case you learned nothing from human history, the idea of a leader is stupid. Why on earth would one person be making the decisions for a group of people? You're all going to have grow up, and make good choices.

Now I'm not going to explain the basics like how to find shelter, or grow plants. That's dumb. Figure it out. It's not that hard, and it's going to be different depending on where you live. What is important is Zombies. Zombies aren't going to be like they show you on T.V. They won't be evil. Evil doesn't exist anymore, remember all good/evil religion stuff is gone. Zombies are basically animal forms of human beings.

They won't have the ability to do anything we deem as creative and have no concept of beauty. They won't be able to see color, or feel pleasure or pain. They'll operate by a hive mind so verbal communication is usually not necessary, but they can speak and when they do it's kind of like yiddish except less phlegm.

Did I not mention that they're gonna be immortal. I should've. After the third giant tsunami all humans are gonna become immortal, zombies and regulars alike. You'll still get hungry but it'll just be a permanent twinge in your stomach if you never eat. And all wounds will heal so you won't have to waste time with medical stuff. Even if you get completely obliterated you'll just pop up somewhere randomly.

One thing the mass media got right about zombies is for some reason they'll like to eat our flesh. They won't be able to taste it, so maybe it's just because it keeps growing back and they don't have to keep hunting animals. Whatever the reason don't let them catch you. If they do they'll keep you as a pprisoner as long as they can, and keep eating you as your body grows back. Gruesome.

That's all there is to know about surviving zombies. Next time we'll talk about post apocalyptic social media. All I'm gonna say is if you don't have a Facebook. I feel sorry for you.